‘Woke nonsense’: Grant Shapps hits out at submarine’s new name

A Reply To David Hughes For The Independent

Ah, the greatest scandal of our time “Grant Shapps hits out at submarine’s new name”, a Royal Navy submarine getting a new name. Forget about defence spending spiralling out of control, military recruitment hitting historic lows, or the actual operational readiness of our armed forces. No, the real emergency—one that has rattled the very foundations of Westminster—is that a submarine is now called HMS Achilles instead of HMS Agincourt.

At the centre of this entirely manufactured hysteria is none other than Grant Shapps—the man who once peddled allegedly edited his own Wikipedia page to make himself look better, and resigned from government after a bullying scandal. Obviously, when it comes to matters of integrity, British tradition, and honour, he’s the first person we should turn to.

So let’s wade through this nonsense, shall we?

"Labour Did It!"—Except, No, They Didn’t

If you believed certain sections of the press, you’d think Keir Starmer personally sailed into the shipyard in full medieval armour and rebranded the sub himself in a bid to erase British history. But reality—so often an inconvenient detail—tells a slightly different story.

The decision to rename HMS Agincourt to HMS Achilles was not Labour’s doing. In fact, reports indicate that King Charles himself intervened, and this process was already in motion before Labour even came to power.

So unless the Prime Minister has discovered time travel—something which, knowing British infrastructure, would still be subject to three years of delays and a £10 billion budget overrun—Labour had absolutely nothing to do with it.

But, of course, acknowledging this would ruin a perfectly good “woke conspiracy” story, and where’s the fun in that?

The French Were Not Crying Into Their Croissants

Ah yes, the theory that this name change was to spare the feelings of the French. Because obviously, the same nation that quite literally invented the guillotine, overthrew its monarchy in a bloody revolution, and still sets fire to half of Paris whenever they disagree with pension reforms, would be crippled by the sight of a British submarine named after a 15th-century battle.

Yes, I’m sure France—one of the most militarily powerful nations in Europe—was on the brink of surrender over this. Probably held a candlelit vigil for their national dignity.

Except, of course, they didn’t.

Even Sir Ben Wallace—a Conservative and former Defence Secretary—has outright dismissed this nonsense, pointing out that the French are one of our closest military allies and would not care in the slightest.

And yet, here we are, still pretending that somewhere in the Élysée Palace, Emmanuel Macron is sobbing into a baguette.

HMS Achilles: A Name With More Military History Than Grant Shapps Has Identities

The argument that renaming the sub is “erasing British military history” is particularly hilarious when you realise that HMS Achilles already has a long and distinguished history in the Royal Navy.

One of its most famous predecessors fought in the Battle of the River Plate in World War II, helping to take down the German pocket battleship Graf Spee. But no, tell me again how renaming this submarine is an insult to our proud military traditions.

I can only assume that the next step in this logic is to demand a national inquiry into why HMS Victory was allowed to be built after the Battle of Trafalgar, or why HMS Dreadnought wasn’t named after a British pub.

The King’s Navy, The King’s Call

For some reason, this entire scandal seems to have overlooked one extremely basic fact:

British monarchs have had the final say on Royal Navy ship names for centuries.

That’s right—this is not some radical break from tradition. It is the literal continuation of tradition. It’s almost as if the people crying about “defending British history” have absolutely no knowledge of British history whatsoever.

If Charles had decided to name it HMS Vegan Soy Latte, then we could have a discussion. But HMS Achilles? A name so drenched in military significance that even the ancient Greeks would give it a nod of approval? Hardly the cultural revolution some are making it out to be.

But Sure, Let’s Ignore the £1.64 Billion Elephant in the Room

While Grant Shapps and his merry band of professional outrage merchants are setting their hair on fire over a name, here’s a thought:

This submarine is costing £1.64 billion.

The Astute-class program has run over budget by a staggering £838 million for boats 4 through 7.

HMS Achilles alone is now projected to cost £1.64 billion, far exceeding its original estimates.

These overruns are due to technical challenges, delays, and the rising costs of materials and labour—which, unlike its name, might actually affect Britain’s defence capabilities.

And here’s the kicker: both Ben Wallace and Grant Shapps were around when these budget disasters were unfolding. But did they hold emergency press conferences about that? Did they rage against “financial mismanagement” with the same energy they now devote to a name change?

Of course not. Because you can’t squeeze a “woke gone mad” headline out of actual financial incompetence.

Grant Shapps: The Last Person Who Should Be Talking About Integrity

At this point, we need to ask the obvious question:

Why is anyone still listening to Grant Shapps?

This is a man who:

Sold "get-rich-quick" schemes under the fake name “Michael Green”—while he was already an MP.

Allegedly edited his own Wikipedia page to make himself look better while sneakily tweaking rivals’ pages. Because nothing says “political heavyweight” like spending your time micromanaging your own online legacy.

Resigned over a bullying scandal when he was accused of ignoring complaints within the Tory youth wing—because nothing says “defender of tradition” like turning a blind eye to misconduct.

If there’s anyone who knows about dodgy rebrands, it’s Grant Shapps. Maybe he sees a bit of himself in this submarine renaming—after all, he’s gone by at least three different names.

Conclusion: Manufactured Outrage, Maximum Hypocrisy

This entire “controversy” is a masterclass in political theatre. The renaming of the submarine was not a Labour decision, was not done to appease France, and does not erase British military history.

But rather than focusing on real defence issues—like why this submarine costs £1.64 billion—certain politicians would rather scream “woke” at anything that moves. Because when you have no solutions, no vision, and no policy successes to talk about, what’s left?

That’s right—pointing at a submarine and yelling “CULTURE WAR!”

HMS Achilles will still be an advanced, powerful addition to the Royal Navy, no matter what it’s called. But sure, let’s all pretend that the real crisis here isn’t a bloated defence budget, failing recruitment numbers, or the general decline of British military capabilities.

No, clearly, the real issue is a name change.

What an utterly inspiring level of leadership. Well done, Grant.

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