USA Edition of "The Dead Democracy Sketch"
Now with *20% more lobbying and 100% more Super PACs!
(A citizen enters a government office, clutching a battered US. Constitution. A smug bureaucrat sits behind a desk, stamping papers marked "Pre-Approved By Lobbyists.")
Citizen (John Doe):
Hello? I wish to register a complaint.
Broligarchy (Elon Musk):
A complaint? Ah, sorry, sir. We outsourced complaints to a private contractor. But don’t worry! They were acquired by a hedge fund last quarter and promptly collapsed under “unforeseen mismanagement.”
Citizen:
Oh, fantastic. Well, I’d like to complain about this democracy I purchased Just over a couple centuries ago from this very institution!
Broligarchy:
Ah, the Democracy Model 1776! Classic! Sturdy build, comes with a Bill of Rights and optional amendments package. What seems to be the problem?
Citizen:
The problem?! It’s dead!
Broligarchy:
Dead? No, no, no, no! It’s just experiencing temporary institutional instability.
Citizen:
Institutional instability?! It has ceased to be! It’s had its laws ignored, its courts stacked, its votes suppressed, and its media turned into a glorified propaganda network! It is an ex-democracy!
Broligarchy:
Oh, no, sir. It’s just pining for the good old days.
Citizen:
Pining for the good old days?! Buddy, this system wouldn’t govern a Homeowners' Association if you stuffed it with a thousand lawyers and a million cable news pundits! The only thing keeping it upright is money and nostalgia!
Broligarchy:
Well, have you tried turning it off and on again?
Citizen:
Tried that! Protested, petitioned, voted harder! Hell, I even switched news channels just in case reality looked better from a different angle! And yet here we are, Democracy is still deader than a third-party candidate’s campaign. ***
Broligarchy:
Ah, well, sir, if you don’t like this democracy, you’re free to leave.
Citizen:
Oh, brilliant! And go where, exactly? Every other democracy has the same glitches, just with a different brand name. The UK just had its fifth Prime Minister in four years, France is on fire every six months, and Canada… well, Canada isn’t hiring, (We love you Canada!)
Broligarchy:
Hmm. Well, sir, we do have a new version available!
Citizen:
Oh really?
Bureaucrat:
Yes! It’s called Managed Democracy™!
Citizen:
And what, pray tell, is the difference?
Broligarchy:
It looks just like the old one! But now with:
90% more corporate influence!
Self-updating talking points!
A revolutionary new election system, where votes matter slightly less than Super PAC donations!
Citizen:
Ah, so it’s like a cable subscription package, you think you’re paying for what you want, but somehow you’re stuck funding stuff you never asked for.
Broligarchy:
Exactly!
Citizen:
Look, I don’t want Managed Democracy! I want the one where votes actually count!
Broligarchy:
Ooooh, sorry, buddy. That model was discontinued. Bit of a security risk, people started expecting things.
Citizen:
Right. That does it. I’m starting a revolution.
Broligarchy:
Would you like that with or without a social media awareness campaign?
(Citizen slams the Constitution onto the desk. A cloud of dust and irrelevance explodes from it. Bureaucrat shrugs, picks it up, and files it under "Historical Curiosities.")
[CURTAIN FALLS. DEMOCRACY REMAINS DEAD.]
Bonus Post-Credit Dialogue:
(Two bureaucrats watching the scene unfold.)
Bureaucrat #1:
Another one?
Bureaucrat #2:
Yep. Third one this week.
Bureaucrat #1:
Should we do something?
Bureaucrat #2:
Nah. We’ll just rebrand it again.
- Pavlova anyone?
** Broligarchy Carole Cadwalladr.
*** Third-party Candidate Count BinFace.
Based on The Dead Parrot Sketch is pure comedic genius.
At its heart, it’s a simple gag. A customer tries to return a dead parrot, and the shopkeeper insists it’s perfectly fine. But beneath the absurdity, it’s a sharp critique of denial, bureaucracy, and broken systems that refuse to admit their failure. In its mix of surreal humour and biting satire, the sketch has stood the test of time, because it’s not just about a dead parrot, but about every broken thing we’re told is fine!
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