Trump and Musk Fire NOAA Scientists—Because Weather is for the Weak

By Willy & Bill, Who Has Officially Given Up on Reality

In an inspiring display of leadership, Trump—who once bankrupted a casino and still claims to be a business genius—has fired 800 NOAA scientists, because weather is clearly a liberal conspiracy. Who needs accurate forecasts when we can just wing it?

The National Weather Service (NWS) has been gutted so thoroughly that some forecast offices might not be able to function 24/7 anymore. This is fantastic news for anyone who enjoys the thrill of waking up to an unannounced hurricane, a surprise tornado, or a tsunami that wasn’t on the schedule. Because really, isn’t life just more exciting when you don’t know whether you need an umbrella, a life raft, or a resignation letter to the gods?

The firings were made official Thursday, with Trump himself declaring the move “one of the biggest and best firings, folks, like, truly tremendous.” When asked about concerns that this could lead to an increase in weather-related deaths, Trump brushed it off, saying, “People die all the time, okay? More people die of bad deals than hurricanes. I know deals, I know hurricanes, believe me.”

It gets even better. Not to be outdone by Trump’s race to the bottom, Elon Musk, the world’s richest meme enthusiast, has jumped on board. Musk’s brand-new, government-sabotaging agency—the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE), because apparently, we’re making federal agencies based on Reddit jokes now—decided to pile on, cutting an additional 170 positions at the Weather Service.

According to Musk, the move is necessary because weather forecasting is “inefficient” and scientists are expensive when you can just train an AI to guess the weather based on vibes. If you think that sounds ridiculous, just wait until Musk rolls out his new plan: a weather forecasting system that requires a $10,000 Tesla upgrade and a subscription to X Premium.

The Plan: Turning Weather Forecasting into a Faith-Based Initiative

For those unfamiliar, NOAA isn’t just responsible for telling you whether it’s going to rain. It literally keeps industries from collapsing. Farmers depend on it to know when to plant crops, airlines rely on it to avoid flying into thunderstorms, and commercial fishermen use it to not get lost at sea. But why let “science” and “data” get in the way when you can just pray for good weather and hope for the best?

Trump, Musk, and the Project 2025 dream team have a much better idea. Why bother with expensive, taxpayer-funded meteorology when America can just go back to the old ways of predicting the weather? Here are some of the exciting, cutting-edge alternatives they’re considering:

Hurricane Alert System Powered by Divine Intervention
Instead of satellites and Doppler radar, the administration will now rely on evangelical preachers to inform the public about incoming storms. If your pastor says there’s a hurricane, better start running.

The Official White House Magic 8-Ball
Want to know tomorrow’s forecast? Shake the Magic 8-Ball. If it says, “Outlook Not So Good,” congratulations, you’re about to get hit by a Category 5 hurricane.

Trump’s Personal Weather Hotline
Call 1-800-WEATHER-TRUMP and hear him personally mispronounce “hurricane” before assuring you that “the storm loves me, folks.”

QAnon Cloud Divination
The weather report is determined by how many chemtrails appear over Marjorie Taylor Greene’s backyard.

Tesla Weather™—The Future of Paid Forecasting
Under Musk’s leadership, NOAA’s data will soon be paywalled behind a Tesla subscription service. Want access to next week’s forecast? That’ll only cost you $499 per month! But don’t worry—if you tweet a meme praising Musk, you might get a 5% discount.

Weather? Overrated. Let’s Talk Corporate Interests.

Of course, this isn’t just about the weather. This is about Trump and Musk finally delivering on their promise to make everything terrible for everyone except billionaires. NOAA’s data isn’t just used to help farmers and pilots—it’s also crucial for industries like energy, transportation, and disaster management. But who cares about those things when there are tax cuts to hand out and government agencies to dismantle?

Jared Huffman (D-CA) pointed out that a lot of the industries that rely on NOAA are full of Trump voters who are now getting completely screwed over. Trump’s response was reportedly something along the lines of, “They love me, folks. Even when I ruin their lives. Maybe even especially then.”

Meanwhile, Elon Musk is busy pitching his own private weather service, which will reportedly involve launching Tesla-branded weather balloons into the sky and tracking their movements using an AI-powered chatbot named “StormyGPT.” The service will cost a small fortune, of course, but it will come with a premium option where Musk personally DMs you the forecast—probably three days too late.

Project 2025: Who Needs Weather When You Have Hope?

This isn’t just incompetence—it’s the Heritage Foundation’s wet dream. Project 2025 aims to dismantle every federal agency that dares to function. NOAA’s just the warm-up act before they privatise oxygen and put FEMA behind a paywall. The long-term goal is to eliminate NOAA entirely and replace it with a mix of corporate-sponsored forecasts and prayer circles.

Instead of relying on science, Americans will be encouraged to check the weather by:

Consulting the nearest bald eagle.

Looking for omens in the clouds.

Watching whether Trump’s toupee lifts in the wind.

Jane Lubchenco, former NOAA Administrator under Obama, described the firings as “wasteful and dangerous.” But honestly, if wasteful and dangerous isn’t Trump’s personal brand, then what is?

What’s Next? Predicting Weather with a Coin Flip?

Trump and Musk’s genius strategy means that when hurricane season arrives, Americans will have to resort to alternative ways of figuring out if they’re about to be annihilated. Instead of getting alerts from NOAA, the options will now include:

Checking if Fox News hosts are looking extra sweaty on air.

Counting how many seagulls are flying in panicked circles.

Calling Mar-a-Lago and asking Trump himself, who will respond with, “It’s gonna be the most tremendous weather, just absolutely beautiful. The best.”

Elon Musk, not to be outdone, will likely roll out a new Tesla Weather subscription, which will include:

AI-generated forecasts based on how many Dogecoin memes are trending.

Exclusive early access to storm warnings for anyone who buys a Tesla Cybertruck.

Premium disaster tracking only available to X Premium subscribers.

At this rate, the only reliable way to know if a storm is coming will be checking whether Mar-a-Lago suddenly goes up for sale. If you get swept away by a tornado, don’t expect the government to save you—unless you’re a billionaire with a space company.

This is America now. Good luck. You’ll need it.

Enjoyed this dose of apocalyptic satire?

If you laughed (or cried) while reading this, subscribe now for more biting commentary, dystopian news rewrites, and the occasional survival guide for when billionaires finally turn oxygen into a paid subscription.

Stay informed. Stay entertained. Stay one step ahead of the next absurd government decision.

Hit that subscribe button—because knowing the weather shouldn’t require a Tesla subscription.