The Real Extremists? Not Musk or Farage, But Those Dangerous Centrist Hummus Lovers

Allison Pearson Exposes the True Menace to Society: Centrist Nibblers Plotting Over Plates of Hummus

Dear Allison Pearson,

Having read your article, "Righteous liberals are the real extremists, not Farage and Musk," I am in awe. Not of its insight, mind you, but of its sheer audacity to stretch logic, peddle hyperbole, and blend moral outrage with a level of smugness that could make even the most hardened wine-and-cheese crowd blush. Bravo, Allison. You’ve truly outdone yourself. Let’s take a closer look at your magnum opus, shall we?

Logical Gymnastics: The Gold Standard

Your argument that “far-centrists” are the real extremists is, frankly, revolutionary. Centrist dads everywhere, with their mild concerns about recycling and occasional thoughts on interest rates, must be quaking in their loafers. The phrase “far-centre” is so magnificently nonsensical it could only come from someone who genuinely believes lukewarm tea is a form of terrorism.

And then there’s your Musk defence. Yes, the world’s richest man—a walking flame-thrower of chaos—apparently needs rescuing from the dastardly liberals who keep holding him accountable. But you didn’t stop there. You gave us the most tortured leap of logic I’ve seen this year: the idea that Musk tweeting about grooming gangs somehow catapulted him into the role of hero for traumatised victims. Surely the thousands of charity workers, police officers, and survivors who’ve fought for justice might deserve a mention? No? Just Elon and his tweets? Cool.

Bias: Or, Why Everyone Else Is Always Wrong

Your depiction of liberals and centrists as out-of-touch elites was delightful, Allison. The way you painted them as a cabal of smug, hummus-eating snobs sipping lattes while plotting to destroy the working class—pure poetry. It’s almost as if you’re describing yourself in a mirror. After all, who’s more smug than someone who calls themselves a voice for “ordinary people” while banging on about crumble recipes from Raymond Blanc?

And Nigel Farage—yes, let’s talk about how he’s “not an extremist.” The man who turned pub banter into policy and made xenophobia sound like an acceptable dinner-table conversation. Of course, he’s not an extremist, Allison. He’s just a misunderstood millionaire whose hobbies include ranting about immigrants and collecting pensions from the EU. Nothing extreme about that.

Hyperbole: The Pearson Speciality

“The biggest, most savage scandal in British history.” That’s how you described the grooming gang crisis. It’s horrific, yes. But, Allison, have you heard of the slave trade? Or the systematic cover-up of Hillsborough? Or, I don’t know, the literal two World Wars? Hyperbole may sell columns, but at some point, the metaphorical crumble collapses under the weight of its own nonsense.

And then you bring up Reform UK, claiming they’re riding a tidal wave of public support. A single YouGov poll showing them a point behind Labour is hardly a revolution, but sure, let’s pop the champagne and call it a landslide. By your logic, one good poll is proof of a political earthquake, while one bad poll is probably the fault of those pesky liberal elites fiddling with the data.

Sensationalism: Over-the-Top and Loving It

Your vivid descriptions of the issues—complete with the charming imagery of “shrivelled vaginas and ovaries”—are straight out of the dystopian drama handbook. Have you considered screenwriting, Allison? With this level of shock value, you’d be a shoo-in for a Netflix deal.

Your personal attacks are also a highlight. Yasmin Alibhai-Brown, Rory Stewart, Alastair Campbell—they’re all dismissed as smug, out-of-touch, or ignorant. Critiquing their ideas is too much effort, it seems, so why not just call them names instead? It’s a bold move, Allison. Not a persuasive one, but bold.

Missed Opportunities: So Many, So Little Time

For all the sound and fury, your article skips over the actual complexities of the issues you raise. Instead of sensationalising the grooming gang crisis, you could have explored why systemic failures allowed it to happen—and what can be done to prevent it. Instead of defending Musk as a misunderstood saviour, you might have examined how billionaires wield disproportionate influence over public discourse. Instead of railing against the mythical “far-centre,” you could have addressed why centrists sometimes fail to connect with voters.

But no. You went for the low-hanging fruit—snark, outrage, and a sprinkling of Latin jabs for good measure. Because why aim for nuance when you can aim for clicks?

Conclusion: Crumble Over Credibility

Allison, I’m glad your crumble turned out well. Honestly, it’s reassuring to know that while your arguments fall apart faster than Farage’s Brexit promises, at least your dessert has structural integrity. Maybe next time, give your arguments the same care and attention you give to separating the crumble from the fruit.

And here’s a thought: if centrists are extremists, and Farage is a misunderstood moderate, does that make you the voice of reason? Or are we just living in a world where up is down, left is right, and crumble is a metaphor for coherent debate?

Yours with a teaspoon of sarcasm and a dollop of common sense,
A Reader Who’ll Stick to the Hummus-Loving Far Centre

SPN

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