The Great British Symphony of Farmer Sympathy—Encore Edition

A reply to Hannah Boland from The Telegraph

Dear Hannah Boland,

Oh, what a joy it was to read your heartfelt exposé on the plight of the British farmer! A stirring composition of corporate altruism and moral panic, “Waitrose urges Rachel Reeves to halt farmer tax raid” was nothing short of a masterclass in sympathetic spin. It had everything: righteous indignation, nostalgic references to the “lifeblood of rural Britain,” and just a touch of supermarket crocodile tears. Bravo!

But why stop there? Let’s really dig into this Shakespearean tragedy—or farce, depending on one’s sense of humour. Because if there’s one thing we Brits do well, it’s weaving an elaborate tale of noble farmers, villainous politicians, and heroic supermarkets swooping in to save the day. Move over Downton Abbey, there’s a new melodrama in town, and it’s playing out in the aisles of Waitrose.

Act I: Supermarkets as White Knights—or Grey Villains?

Waitrose’s proclamation that farmers are “the backbone of our food system” was a real tear-jerker. Who knew supermarkets cared so deeply for the little guy? For decades, they’ve lavished farmers with affection—if, by affection, we mean relentless price suppression, delayed payments, and contracts so convoluted they make Tolstoy look concise.

It’s not just milk that’s gone sour. Remember when the cost of a pint dipped below bottled water prices? A true ode to capitalism’s efficiency! Or how about the time supermarkets began flying in carrots from Peru and calling it progress? Nothing screams “British farming champion” quite like air miles.

But sure, let’s believe Waitrose when they claim they’re worried about inheritance tax squeezing farmers. It couldn’t possibly be that they’re worried about their own supply chains, could it? Surely not.

Act II: A Tale of Two Statistics

Ah, the numbers. According to the National Farmers’ Union (NFU), 75% of farm businesses could be affected by this dastardly tax change. A terrifying figure indeed—one that might prompt us to don sackcloth and ashes in solidarity. But wait! The Treasury estimates a mere 500 estates annually would pay more under the reforms. Such a small discrepancy! I mean, what’s a few thousand percentage points between friends?

And yet, the NFU’s claims have been dutifully parroted without so much as a raised eyebrow. Is it because their narrative aligns so perfectly with the tale of hardworking farmers crushed by the cruel hand of government? Or is it because nuance doesn’t sell papers as well as outrage? Either way, let’s give the NFU credit—they’ve managed to make a niche policy change sound like a full-blown existential crisis. Bravo, indeed.

Act III: Supermarket Rhetoric—Oscar-Worthy Performances

The pièce de résistance of this drama is, of course, the supermarkets’ impassioned defence of farmers. Waitrose’s PR team must be working overtime. “The lifeblood of rural Britain,” they cry, while signing contracts that leave farmers barely breaking even. It’s almost poetic.

One might ask: if Waitrose is so committed to the long-term viability of UK farming, where are the guaranteed pricing models? The long-term contracts? The sustainability measures that protect farmers from the vagaries of market volatility? And while we’re at it, how about we take a closer look at their supply chain practices? You know, the ones that prioritise cheap imports when it suits their margins. But hey, why let facts get in the way of a good soundbite?

Act IV: Systemic Problems, Conveniently Overlooked

It’s fascinating how this debate focuses so narrowly on inheritance tax while ignoring the elephant in the room: supermarkets themselves. For decades, they’ve driven down prices, squeezed margins, and played the role of benevolent overlord. Now, when farmers are struggling under mountains of debt and rising production costs, supermarkets have the audacity to position themselves as saviours. The irony is so rich it could be served as a dessert.

But let’s not stop there. What about food security? Climate resilience? The fact that young people are fleeing farming faster than you can say “urban migration”? If supermarkets truly cared about farmers, they’d be lobbying for policies that address these structural issues, not using inheritance tax as a convenient scapegoat.

Act V: The Hypocrisy of Corporate Advocacy

There’s something almost admirable about the sheer audacity of it all. Imagine a world where Waitrose genuinely championed farmers. No more predatory contracts, no more importing out-of-season produce from halfway across the globe, no more squeezing suppliers until they’re one bad harvest away from bankruptcy.

Instead, we get PR platitudes and moral posturing. Supermarkets love to tell us how much they care about farmers while simultaneously driving them out of business. It’s like setting fire to someone’s house, then handing them a bucket of water and calling yourself a hero.

Act VI: Solutions, Satirically Speaking

If we’re serious about helping farmers, let’s start by holding supermarkets accountable. Here’s a novel idea:

Fair Trade 2.0: How about supermarkets guarantee a living income for British farmers? Radical, I know.

Transparency Audits: Let’s see those contracts. If you claim to support farmers, prove it.

Consumer Education: Instead of greenwashing, how about teaching shoppers what “sustainable farming” actually looks like?

Of course, none of this will happen. Why? Because it’s easier—and cheaper—for supermarkets to play the victim than to change their business practices.

Epilogue: The Real Villains

At the heart of this tale is a simple truth: the challenges facing British farmers are systemic, not isolated. They stem from decades of supermarket dominance, government neglect, and a food system that prioritises profit over sustainability. Inheritance tax is a footnote in this larger story. Yet here we are, fixating on it as if it’s the only issue that matters.

Your article, while well-intentioned, misses the mark by a mile. By framing this as a battle between farmers and the government, it lets supermarkets off the hook. And frankly, they don’t deserve it.

Curtain Call

In conclusion, let’s not be fooled by Waitrose’s PR theatrics. Farmers need real support, not platitudes. And readers deserve journalism that digs deeper than this shallow narrative. Next time, let’s try for something a little more nuanced, shall we?

Theatrically Yours,

SPN

Support your local small farmers!

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