Reinventing the Rectangle, One Incremental Upgrade at a Time

The iPhone

In 2007, Steve Jobs stood on a stage, held up the first iPhone, and declared it “a revolutionary and magical product.” What he really meant was, “You’ll give us all your money for this rectangle, and you’ll thank us for it.” Combining a phone, an iPod, and an “internet communicator,” Apple created not just a device, but a movement. It changed how we communicate, work, and yes, procrastinate. Fast forward to 2024, and we’re now on the iPhone 16 series—a marvel of engineering, AI wizardry, and a price tag capable of ruining Christmas.

With over 2.3 billion iPhones sold globally, the device isn’t just a gadget—it’s a lifestyle. As we reflect on its incredible journey, let’s take a moment to send our heartfelt iCloud messages to the late Steve Jobs. Wherever you are, Steve, we hope you’re making heaven a little sleeker, a little smarter, and a lot more expensive. Rest in peace—you’ve earned a five-star review in the App Store of eternity.

From Multi-Touch to Multi-Mortgage

The original iPhone introduced us to multi-touch technology, letting users pinch and swipe their way into the future—or at least into better angles for selfies. Apple hasn’t slowed down since, delivering features that are equal parts genius and gratuitous, including:

Retina displays, so sharp they make every blemish on your Zoom call excruciatingly visible.

Face ID, which refuses to unlock if you’re wearing sunglasses or recovering from a cry-fest.

Waterproofing, because we all apparently insist on texting in the bath.

The iPhone X, launched in 2017, was a turning point. It eliminated the home button, introduced Face ID, and embraced a bezel-less design. Critics called it “visionary,” users called it “confusing,” and Apple called it “an extra £300.” Since then, Apple has mastered the art of just enough change. Want a better camera? Here’s 48 megapixels for your latte art. Faster chips? Absolutely. Missing ports? You bet. Every new model is somehow groundbreaking and yet eerily familiar.

The App Store: Apple’s True Masterpiece

Launched in 2008 with 500 apps, the App Store was a revelation. It offered gems like Fart Soundboard and Flashlight, proving that even revolutionary technology can have a sense of humour. Today, it hosts nearly 2 million apps, catering to every need—from productivity to, well, procrastination.

But the App Store’s brilliance isn’t just about apps; it’s about economics. Apple takes a 30% cut of every transaction, turning developers into grumbling but loyal tenants in Apple’s digital empire. Want to meditate? There’s an app for that. Want to age yourself 40 years for some reason? There’s an app for that too. Want to stop using apps? Good luck.

Breaking Records: The iPhone 16 in 2024

In Q3 2024, Apple shipped a record-breaking 54.5 million iPhones, proving that even in a saturated market, people still love their rectangles​

The iPhone 16 series led the charge, with its AI-powered features and narrower price gap between the base and Pro models making it more accessible than ever. Apple’s decision to expand manufacturing in India significantly reduced lead times, ensuring customers could get their new phones faster than ever​.

By producing older models like the iPhone 13 alongside the latest and greatest, Apple appealed to both budget-conscious buyers and those who just wanted to say, “Look, I still have an iPhone.” Meanwhile, Samsung clung to first place in global smartphone shipments, but Apple wasn’t far behind, firmly holding second place.

iOS Updates: The Necessary Evil

Apple’s iOS updates are like flu shots: unavoidable and occasionally painful. Sure, they bring shiny new features to even the oldest devices, but they also make your five-year-old iPhone feel like it’s running on a hamster wheel.

The latest update, iOS 18, introduced a repair assistant to support users who prefer fixing their phones over replacing them. It’s a nice gesture, but let’s be real: most people will still just buy a new one. Apple has no complaints about that.

Foldables, AI, and the Future: Will It Bend or Break?

The future of the iPhone is foldable, or so Apple tells us. These devices promise the convenience of a phone that folds neatly into your pocket—and the anxiety of accidentally snapping your £2,000 investment in half.

Meanwhile, Apple is betting big on AI. Siri is allegedly getting smarter, though whether she’ll ever figure out what “That song that goes doo-doo-da-da” means remains a mystery. The goal, according to Apple, is to make the iPhone feel less like a tool and more like a personal assistant—one that still doesn’t understand you half the time.

The iPhone’s Legacy: A Rectangle That Rules the World

The iPhone isn’t just a phone; it’s a social statement, a cultural icon, and occasionally a financial burden. With a 27.6% global market share​, it dominates in North America, where green bubbles are treated like leprosy, and in Europe, where everyone loves a device that screams “Look at me, I’m sophisticated.”

What makes the iPhone truly remarkable isn’t its tech—it’s Apple’s ability to convince us that every incremental update is revolutionary. Need a slightly better camera? Boom: £200 more. Want a charging port? Sorry, here’s a dongle. Apple’s marketing is so good, it’s practically hypnotic.

Steve Jobs once said the iPhone was “five years ahead of any other phone.” Seventeen years later, that gap has closed, but Apple still leads in making us believe rectangles are worth queuing for. Wherever he is, Steve is surely smiling—and probably laughing at our inability to delete the Stocks app.

Here’s to the iPhone: a device that keeps us connected, entertained, and slightly poorer, one overpriced dongle at a time.

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