People I Meet Abroad Now Pity Us Brits Over the Sheer Ghastliness of Starmer's Socialist Sogfest of Gloom

A Reply To Boris Johnson In The Mail

Just when you thought Storm Éowyn had blown through with a welcome gust of clarity, clearing out the smell of shit from Boris’s last article, in drifts the unmistakable stench of Boris Johnson’s rhetorical landfill. Yes, the man with more bluster than a category-five hurricane is back—armed with a thesaurus, a selective memory, and the unshakable confidence to blame everyone else for the wreckage he orchestrated.

Ah, Boris Johnson, the self-appointed Churchill wannabe who led Britain into a swamp and now stands on the sidelines yelling, “Look what they’ve done to my beautiful disaster!” His latest column in The Daily Mail is a masterpiece of self-delusion, where he blames Keir Starmer for… well, everything. For a man who never met a mirror he didn’t like, Boris seems to have trouble seeing himself in one. Let’s explore his latest hit piece, dripping with hypocrisy and thinly veiled attempts to salvage his tattered reputation.

Britain’s Global Reputation: Ruined by Starmer? Or Was It... Boris?

Boris starts by claiming people abroad now pity Britain. This would be tragic if it weren’t hilarious coming from the man whose premiership reduced the UK’s global standing to that of a reality show contestant who forgot their lines. During his time in office, Boris turned “Global Britain” into a running gag, with foreign diplomats likely placing bets on what fresh embarrassment would come next.

Remember Partygate? While the rest of the world watched their leaders grapple with COVID-19, Britain’s Prime Minister was busy turning Downing Street into a raucous house party. Johnson wasn’t just breaking the rules—he was pouring himself a drink, raising a toast, and laughing about it while the public missed funerals and stayed indoors. Fined by police—yes, fined while sitting in office—Boris made history. Not the good kind. Is it any wonder international allies started treating Britain like the guy who shows up uninvited to every party and drinks all the punch?

And then there’s Brexit. Boris, the architect of the “oven-ready deal” (which turned out to be raw, frozen, and unseasoned), managed to alienate the UK’s closest allies, tank trade relations, and leave Northern Ireland dangling in a permanent state of instability. The “world-beating” trade deals he boasted about turned out to be reruns of old agreements with a few tweaks—and not the good ones. If people pity Britain, Boris, it’s because they’ve seen what happens when you let a political grifter run the show.

The Economy: Boris Johnson’s Masterpiece of Chaos

Boris rails against Labour’s tax policies, lamenting the supposed exodus of wealth creators under Starmer. Oh, Boris, please. This from the man who left the economy looking like the aftermath of one of his Downing Street parties—smashed, chaotic, and reeking of bad decisions. Under Boris, inflation soared to levels unseen in decades, the pound wobbled like a drunk after last orders, and businesses were left grappling with a post-Brexit mess that even his biggest supporters couldn’t defend.

And what about the COVID spending spree? Billions of pounds were thrown at pandemic contracts with all the oversight of a blindfolded toddler playing darts. PPE contracts went to companies with zero experience but plenty of Tory connections. Need masks? Oh, sorry, we accidentally gave that contract to a mate who makes novelty Christmas jumpers. Whoops!

Meanwhile, ordinary Britons faced skyrocketing energy bills, food price hikes, and a housing market that seemed to exist solely to taunt them. Yet Boris had the audacity to criticise Labour’s economic policies. This, from the man whose flagship “levelling up” policy amounted to little more than a slogan scribbled on the back of a napkin. If wealth creators are fleeing, it’s because they’ve had enough of the circus Boris left behind.

Leadership and Integrity: Pot, Meet Kettle

Boris accusing Starmer of dishonesty and incompetence is like a fox lecturing hens on the importance of security. Johnson’s own record on integrity is a smorgasbord of scandals. Let’s recap some of his greatest hits:

The Jennifer Arcuri Affair: Allegations of funnelling public funds to a “close friend” while Mayor of London. Nothing says integrity like mixing business with pleasure and hoping no one notices.

Downing Street Flat Refurbishment: £200,000 spent on a gaudy makeover, conveniently funded by a private donor. Boris’s taste in décor seemed to be “Louis XIV meets midlife crisis,” and the whole affair reeked of entitlement and dodgy dealings.

Chris Pincher Scandal: Promoting an MP with a history of misconduct allegations because, well, apparently standards were optional.

And let’s not forget his daily relationship with the truth—or lack thereof. From the Brexit bus lies (“£350 million for the NHS!”) to his constant reshaping of reality to fit his narrative, Boris’s tenure was a masterclass in gaslighting. If integrity were a currency, Boris would be in lifelong debt.

Free Speech and Socialist Boogeymen

Boris warns us of Labour’s supposed “socialist sogfest,” painting a dystopian picture of censorship and economic collapse. It’s a bold claim from the man who passed the Policing Bill, effectively criminalising protests. Want to wave a sign in public? Not under Boris, unless you’re standing silently in a corner and doing it politely.

As for socialism, Boris seems to think anything less exploitative than Victorian capitalism is Marxism incarnate. This, from the man who oversaw a pandemic response that funnelled wealth upwards, left millions in poverty, and made food banks a booming industry. If Boris thinks Starmer’s policies are “socialist,” he clearly needs a dictionary—and possibly a therapist.

Foreign Policy: A Comedy of Errors

Boris critiques Labour’s approach to foreign affairs, conveniently forgetting his own disastrous track record. Afghanistan? While the Taliban swept into Kabul, Boris was reportedly too busy enjoying his holiday to bother with, you know, governing. Britain’s response under his leadership was a shambles, with vulnerable allies abandoned and chaos reigning supreme.

And let’s not forget COP26, where Boris made lofty promises about tackling climate change while greenlighting coal mines and fossil fuel projects. His environmental policy was as convincing as his hairstyles—chaotic and full of split ends.

The Legacy of Boris Johnson: Chaos, Scandals, and Lies

If Boris’s article is a critique of Starmer, it’s also an accidental confession. His leadership left a legacy of scandals, failures, and political grifting so brazen it could be taught as a masterclass. Here’s just a snapshot:

Partygate: The scandal that defined his premiership, proving rules were for peasants, not Prime Ministers.

COVID Mismanagement: Delayed lockdowns, mixed messages, and one of the highest death tolls in Europe.

Brexit Debacle: An “oven-ready deal” that gave the UK a perpetual migraine.

Cronyism: Contracts handed to mates, donors rewarded with peerages, and corruption disguised as governance.

Affairs and Scandals: Jennifer Arcuri, accusations of failing to declare interests, and more skeletons in the closet than a Halloween shop.

Conclusion: Boris the Revisionist

Boris Johnson’s column isn’t journalism—it’s a desperate attempt to rewrite history and paint himself as Britain’s saviour. But no amount of flowery rhetoric can disguise the truth: Boris is a political grifter who treated the country like his personal playground. His time in office was defined by lies, greed, and an unrelenting commitment to self-interest.

So yes, Boris, people abroad may pity us Brits. But it’s not because of Starmer’s “socialist sogfest.” It’s because they watched you turn Britain into a tragicomedy—and now we’re left to clean up the mess.

If you’ve enjoyed this delightful stroll through the absurdity of Boris Johnson’s antics—or even if you’ve just needed a laugh to keep from crying—please subscribe! Stay tuned for more sharp takes, biting humour, and unfiltered truths about the political circus we’re all stuck watching. Don’t miss the next round of chaos—because let’s face it, there’s always more where that came from.