Nadine Dorries: From Kangaroo Testicles to NHS Blame Games.
The Politician Who Always Finds Someone Else to Blame
Nadine Dorries, the ever-loyal Boris Johnson fangirl and unintentional comedian, recently graced us with her presence on a panel about the NHS. Naturally, her performance was less "informed debate" and more "blame everyone but ourselves" theatre. Labour? Guilty of governing from opposition. The NHS? Somehow plotting against itself. Accountability? Missing, presumed dead.
Let’s start with the numbers: in 1987, the UK had 250,000 hospital beds for a population of 55 million. Today, we have just 140,000 beds for 68 million people. So what does Dorries do? She blames Labour, of course—because opposition parties have so much power to dismantle the NHS when they’re not in government. Genius.
And then came the pièce de résistance: Dorries proudly claimed the Conservatives had a plan to build 20 new hospitals in 2019. Except… it wasn’t 20, was it, Nadine? It was 40. And no, Labour didn’t block the plan, because the Tories had a massive majority. Either Dorries skipped parliamentary arithmetic or she’s hoping we did.
Next came the obligatory scapegoating of workforce shortages. Brexit? Not a problem! Except, of course, it is. By championing Brexit, Dorries helped slam the door on EU healthcare workers who were keeping the NHS afloat. The government then refused to create effective visa schemes for overseas nurses, creating a staffing crisis of their own making. It’s like shooting yourself in the foot and then yelling at your shoe for not fixing it.
And let’s not forget the 2012 Lansley reforms. Dorries proudly defended this "independence" gift to the NHS—which is code for stripping government accountability while opening the cash floodgates to private providers. Now, surprise, surprise, she’s complaining about NHS money disappearing into a privatisation void her own party created.
After 14 years in power, the Tories still act like the NHS spontaneously combusted on Labour’s watch. Spoiler: it didn’t. Years of underfunding, demoralised staff, and austerity-driven neglect are to blame. Listening to Dorries on Question Time was like watching someone throw spaghetti at a wall and call it problem-solving. The NHS doesn’t need more Tory excuses; it needs serious reform.
But alas, if Nadine Dorries’ track record is anything to go by, excuses are her currency—and she’s got plenty.
The Greatest Hits of Nadine Dorries: A Career in Chaos
For those unacquainted with her back catalogue, Nadine Dorries has been treating us to a never-ending circus of scandals, controversies, and moments that make you question reality itself. Let’s dive in.
The Expenses Scandal: Creative Cotswold Accounting
Back in 2009, Dorries dabbled in the fine art of questionable bookkeeping. She declared her Cotswold retreat as her main residence, allowing her to claim expenses for her constituency home. Technically legal? Sure. Ethically sound? About as much as calling a yacht a mobility aid.
To this day, her moral compass remains missing, presumably lost somewhere in the Cotswolds. If you find it, do let her know—it’s been a while.
Jungle Fever: Kangaroo Testicles and Democracy Be Damned
In 2012, Dorries swapped Parliament for the Australian outback to appear on I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here! Her justification? “Bringing politics to the people.” Because nothing screams political engagement like munching on kangaroo genitalia.
Her constituents were unimpressed, as was the Conservative Party whip, who promptly suspended her. Dorries lasted less time in the jungle than one of her tweets does before becoming a meme.
The Plot: Boris Johnson as Bond (Villain)
Dorries’ literary masterpiece, The Plot: The Political Assassination of Boris Johnson, is the fever dream no one asked for. In it, she conjures up a cabal of Tory conspirators with codenames like “Oddjob” (Michael Gove) and “The Wolf” (a shadowy figure no one can identify). It’s less investigative journalism and more political fan-fiction written during a sugar crash.
Dominic Cummings, the supposed mastermind, openly mocked her, sarcastically suggesting MI6 and the Illuminati were also involved. Dorries’ response? “Checkmate.” Naturally.
Twitter: Cringe in 280 Characters
Dorries’ Twitter feed is a treasure trove of chaos. Highlights include accusing Channel 4 of hiring actors for reality shows and tweeting Boris Johnson’s resignation letter word-for-word like a gospel reading. If Twitter needed a mascot for "utter bedlam," she’d be it.
Culture Secretary Chaos: Picasso in Flames
As Culture Secretary, Dorries championed the privatisation of Channel 4—despite admitting she didn’t understand its funding model. Her logic? “Why not sell it?” As coherent as suggesting we privatise gravity to boost GDP.
Pandemic Cronyism: PPE and Favouritism
During the COVID-19 crisis, Dorries faced allegations of funnelling lucrative PPE contracts to Conservative donors. While she denied any wrongdoing, the optics were about as subtle as a flashing neon sign reading "CRONYISM HERE."
The Legacy: Westminster’s Reigning Queen of Chaos
Whether it’s expenses scandals, jungle antics, or conspiracy novels, Nadine Dorries has cemented herself as Westminster’s leading purveyor of absurdity. She’s not just a politician anymore —she’s a meme, a satire, and a never-ending headline generator.
If scandals were Olympic events, Dorries would be a gold medallist with a trophy cabinet full of kangaroo-themed medals. For the rest of us, her antics are a constant reminder that politics is sometimes stranger—and funnier—than fiction.
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