Britain, the 51st State: A Masterclass in Waving the White Flag with Style

A Reply To Poppy Coburn From The Telegraph

Dear Poppy,

Congratulations on penning “It’s time to become the 51st state of the US”, what might be the most ambitious crossover event in geopolitical fan fiction. Your suggestion that Britain toss its sovereignty into the ever-loving arms of America is bold, to say the least—bold in the way that wearing a MAGA hat to a European summit might be. While your article had all the subtlety of a fireworks display in a library, it does deserve a response. Let’s unpack your opus, point by flawed point.

Historical Analogies: Victorian Daydreams Meet 21st-Century Reality

Ah yes, the good old days of Victorian Britain, where we could lament our decline while still controlling half the globe. Your invocation of William Thomas Stead and Anglo-Unionism might have been compelling if it weren’t hopelessly outdated. Comparing Britain’s imperial anxieties to today’s geopolitical realities is like comparing a rotary phone to an iPhone—it’s technically communication, but wildly out of context.

The idea of the U.S. as Britain’s “talented child” might have held water in the 19th century, but in the 21st, it’s more like an unruly teenager who borrowed our car, crashed it, and then gave us driving tips.

The “Special Relationship”: A Farce or Just Awkward Chemistry?

You describe the U.K.-U.S. special relationship as a “farce” kept alive by the benevolence of American diplomats. Charming. Except, of course, for the small details like intelligence sharing, defence cooperation, and robust trade partnerships. Sure, we might not be equals, but we’re hardly the sad cousin begging for scraps at Thanksgiving.

If anything, the special relationship is less a farce and more an awkward marriage—complete with bickering, compromises, and occasional passive-aggressive comments about who pays the bills.

Economic Determinism: Britain, the Vassal State?

Your depiction of Britain as an economic vassal to the U.S. is positively Shakespearean in its tragedy. And just as fictional. While American investment is significant, Britain is not some helpless backwater hanging by the coattails of Uncle Sam. We’re a leader in finance, culture, and innovation—not to mention the proud inventor of the tea kettle, which, frankly, America still doesn’t use correctly.

Becoming the 51st State: A Plan So Crazy It Just Might Not Work

Let’s get to the pièce de résistance: your suggestion that Britain should become America’s 51st state. It’s a wonderful idea if you ignore everything about history, politics, and basic logistics. Annexation? Brilliant! I’m sure the King—or Trump’s new court jester, as you suggest—would be thrilled to preside over the annual Fourth of July barbecue at Mar-a-Lago.

Cultural, legal, and political barriers aside, do you really think Britain wants to swap our parliamentary quirks for the joys of the Electoral College and gun control debates?

Donald Trump: Defender of English Liberties?

Your effusive praise of Donald Trump as a “fine negotiator” and champion of English liberties is…creative. I’ll give you that. But if Trump is the saviour of British sovereignty, then I’m the King of Denmark. Sure, he’s a skilled dealmaker—in the same way a toddler is skilled at negotiating with a cookie jar.

And as for him defending our liberties? Trump’s record on democratic norms is, let’s say, patchy at best. If he’s our best shot at securing English values, we might as well rename Big Ben “Freedom Tower” and be done with it.

Dismissal of Alternatives: Europe, Who?

Your article waves away Europe as though it were a distant cousin we’d rather not talk to at weddings. The idea that Britain must choose between U.S. annexation or irrelevance ignores the plethora of viable options: strengthening ties with the Commonwealth, forging new alliances in Asia, or even making peace with our European neighbours. Yes, Poppy, the continent is still there—and no, it’s not all baguettes and bureaucracy.

Economic Hyperbole: The Wage-Skimming America

Your claim that the U.S. exploits Britain’s wage stagnation is a stretch, even by hyperbolic standards. Yes, there’s interdependence, but let’s not pretend Britain is the economic equivalent of an American summer intern—overworked, underpaid, and hoping for a pat on the head.

Britain competes globally in law, finance, and technology. We might not be perfect, but we’re hardly reduced to offshoring paradise status.

Patronising Tone: Britons, Unite (Under the Stars and Stripes)

Your piece implies that Britons are incapable of managing our affairs and should cheerfully surrender to U.S. dominance. If patriotism were a currency, your article would leave us penniless. We’re not perfect (see: Brexit), but the solution isn’t to give up—it’s to adapt, innovate, and occasionally laugh at ourselves over a pint.

Cultural Reductionism: Better Fast Food? Really?

Your closing remark—that at least we’d get better fast food—might be the most insulting part of the article. You’re suggesting we trade centuries of history, culture, and identity for a larger Big Mac? If that’s the bargain, I’d rather stick with fish and chips, thank you very much.

Self-Contradictions: Sovereignty Lost, Sovereignty Gained?

Finally, your argument collapses under its own contradictions. You lament Britain’s loss of sovereignty, yet propose surrendering it entirely. It’s like complaining about a leaky boat and solving the problem by drilling a bigger hole.

Poppy, your article might work as satire, but as a serious proposal, it’s as feasible as turning the House of Lords into a Starbucks. Britain faces challenges, yes, but selling ourselves to America isn’t the solution. Instead of waving a white flag, let’s focus on building a future that respects our sovereignty, embraces innovation, and occasionally remembers that we don’t need a Big Mac to feel whole.

Sincerely,
A Brit who prefers tea over Trump.

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