A Reply to Trump's Official List of Suspects By John Cleese

As posted On His Substack.

Now, to Create the Perfect Atmosphere…

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A Masterclass in Political Detective Work, Courtesy of the World’s Most Stable Comedian… John Cleese!

If there’s one thing we know about Donald J. Trump, it’s that he never lets a good tragedy go to waste—especially when there’s an opportunity to turn it into a deep-state, leftist, wind-powered conspiracy. While most people respond to a horrific air crash with compassion, concern, and a commitment to finding actual causes, Trump has instead done what he does best: thrown darts at a board covered in his personal grievances and called it an investigation.

Cleese meticulously researched (i.e. wildly improvised) list of prime suspects ranges from Nancy Pelosi (of course) to sharks (naturally) to the entire Gulf of Mexico (makes total sense)—each equally plausible in the mind of a man who once suggested nuking hurricanes.

So, in the spirit of serious forensic analysis, we present to you: A Reply to Trump’s Official List of Suspects—The Greatest Investigation Since CSI: Mar-a-Lago. Buckle up, because this turbulence is going to be severe.

Oh, absolutely, let’s treat this with the seriousness it deserves—because when Donald Trump, world-renowned aviation expert and three-time Nobel Prize nominee in Alternative Facts, releases his list of suspects, we must listen closely. After all, this is the same strategic genius who looked directly at a solar eclipse and declared himself a very stable genius.

So, without further ado, let’s unravel this allegedly top-tier conspiracy, dripping in pure, unfiltered sarcasm: TRUMP'S OFFICIAL LIST OF SUSPECTS

(A.K.A. The greatest forensic investigation since CSI: Mar-a-Lago)

1. Nancy Pelosi – The Wicked Witch of the West Wing

Yes, obviously! Pelosi has spent decades masterminding economic collapses, rigging elections, and controlling the weather, so why wouldn’t she also be an expert in aviation sabotage? Did she cackle mid-flight, casting a socialist spell to bring down the aircraft? Was the plane brought down by the sheer gravitational pull of her pearls? Science may never catch up to Trump’s perfect brain, but it’s clear: Pelosi did it.

2. Wind Turbines – The Greatest Threat to Modern Aviation

The silent killers! As Trump has scientifically proven in his peer-reviewed studies (a.k.a. loud dinner rants at Mar-a-Lago), wind turbines are responsible for every bad thing that’s ever happened—cancer, high gas prices, the JFK assassination, and now, plane crashes. Did the plane hit a turbine 500 miles away? Maybe. Did the turbine emit invisible woke energy that disrupted the aircraft’s MAGA engines? Probably. The only way to be sure is to immediately ban all wind, just to be safe.

3. Mike Pence and His Wife – The Betrayal Continues

Oh, of course, we all knew Pence couldn’t be trusted the moment he refused to declare Trump Emperor-for-Life on January 6th, The Holiest of MAGA Holidays. But now we find out Mother Pence was also involved?! What did she do? Smuggle a prayer book onto the aircraft, cursing the avionics with deep-state holiness? Pence has always been suspiciously soft on turbulence—almost like he wants the planes to go down. Coincidence? Wake up, people!

4. The Roadrunner – A Known Menace

Beep beep? More like deep state deep state. Let’s not forget that this cartoon criminal has been sabotaging Republican plans for decades, leading innocent coyotes (symbolic of struggling American patriots, obviously) into government-regulated explosions. Did he paint a fake runway on a cliff and trick the pilots into crashing? Was the ACME Corporation involved? Stay tuned, because Trump’s investigative team of unpaid interns on Truth Social is already looking into this.

5. Canada – The Real Enemy of the United States

Now, I know what you’re thinking: Why would Canada do this? But that’s exactly what they want you to think. The Canadians have been too quiet lately. Too apologetic. Too friendly. And let’s not forget that Justin Trudeau has suspiciously nice hair—something Trump has NEVER trusted. The real question is: Was maple syrup used as an accelerant? Was the *plane infiltrated by bilingual operatives, demanding universal healthcare at 30,000 feet? The evidence is overwhelming.

6. Robert De Niro – Because Hollywood Is the Real Deep State

Ah yes, because who else would be involved in aviation sabotage but a 78-year-old actor who once played a taxi driver? De Niro has spent years attacking Trump, and what’s the logical next step? Obviously, personally taking down aircraft using his Method Acting skills. It’s simple math. If he can take down The Irishman’s box office earnings, then surely he can take down a Boeing 737.

7. Sharks – Trump's Longest-Running Feud

Now we get to the real threat. Sharks hate Trump. It’s a well-documented fact (source: Trump himself). They’ve been after him since the beginning, lurking in big water, ocean water, waiting for the right moment to strike from below. Are we really going to sit here and pretend that this aircraft crash wasn’t caused by an airborne school of radicalised socialist sharks, trained by the woke military industrial complex? Wake. Up.

8. The Woman Who Was Rude to Him Yesterday

Trump never forgets a slight. If you look at him funny, cut him off in traffic, or even refuse to laugh at his “perfect” joke, you are automatically part of an international crime syndicate. Was this woman a CIA plant? An Antifa operative? Did she whisper secret feminist frequencies into the cockpit, causing the controls to go haywire? Frankly, if this woman had simply shown the proper respect, we wouldn’t even be having this conversation.

9. General Mark Milley – A Known Traitor to MAGA Aviation

Because who else would conspire against America if not the man who literally ran the US military? We already know he betrayed Trump by refusing to launch random missiles on a Tuesday afternoon, so what’s stopping him from launching a full-scale aircraft takedown? Was Milley in the cockpit, dressed as a pilot, muttering about "democracy" while pressing buttons? Sounds suspiciously like something a deep-state operative would do.

10. The Gulf of Mexico – The Most Sinister Body of Water

Now, hear me out. Why was the plane flying over the Gulf of Mexico? Isn’t it convenient that the Gulf is full of foreign water? The kind of globalist, deep-state water that Joe Biden probably drinks? The Gulf has long been an enemy of Trump, refusing to stay within his property lines and persistently existing despite his clear opposition. Could it have used ocean-based weather weapons to create destabilising winds? You cannot rule this out.

FINAL CONCLUSION:

This investigation is far from over. But one thing is clear: Trump has once again bravely uncovered a shocking scandal—one that goes all the way to the top (or, at the very least, to a Fox News segment scheduled for 7pm).

So, if you have any doubts about this, then frankly, you should just go straight back to X (Twitter), where the real conspiracies are happening. But if you truly care about freedom, aviation safety, and exposing radical leftist sharks, then buckle up—because Trump’s list of suspects is only just beginning.

P.S. – Whilst we too would hate to lose a loved one unexpectedly, let’s be clear: this piece is not about the loss of life—it’s about the loss of morals, integrity, and any remaining grip on reality. When a tragedy occurs, most people respond with empathy, seriousness, and a commitment to understanding what actually happened. Others, however, take the opportunity to spin an absolute circus of nonsense, turning disaster into yet another self-serving conspiracy theory.

This isn’t about the fallen, but about those who have fallen so far from decency that even sharks, wind turbines, and Canada aren’t safe from suspicion.

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